Thursday, July 9, 2009
Life is moving too fast.
I told myself early on in the summer that there would be a moratorium on stress while I was here. For the most part, I've been far from perfect at that but still better than expected. There have been some frets about the senior film, about money, about health, and some other small things that I managed to keep a low freak-out level about, but overall I haven't really been full on stressing. When it comes down to it, and I when I follow the George method of diagnosing anxiety, my F stress right now is: Fast-moving life.
It's all going by far too quickly; this summer, the past year, my college experience, everything. I'm terrified to start the school year because I'm very scared that one it begins I will have to very difficult endings. The first will be a larger-scale repeat of what Katie and I termed last semester, "postpartum depression" i.e. the awful feeling both of us got immediately after our shoot ended. All of that work and stress and effort gone after one quick weekend left us feeling pretty darned bummed, and I know that this feeling is inevitable this year.
The second ending is the obvious one. The graduation one. The one in which our little family breaks up and moves away from each other. It's likely that most of them will end up in LA, but what about my Mo, she's a NY gal. I don't want to have to chose between which friends I want to live with. I used to be very adamant about not choosing my location in life based on where other people are. Boston to Tucson was a random ass move. I didn't know a single person in the city and I knew I was going to be leaving friends. The result of that has been staying in touch with very few people and feeling extremely bored when back in the Boston area. My life is in Tucson now. But for whatever reason I don't feel as ready to move away from people in Tucson as I was people back home. It's not an issue of caring about people more or less, but this time around I don't feel as confident in choosing where I want to be just for me. I don't even know where the 'for me' place is.
I've been telling everybody who asks (random people back home, from school, people at my internship, random crew on set) that I still like to think that I could be anywhere a year from now. I want to believe that's true, but I know I have been eyeing everyplace I go as a possible place to make a regular return to and I know I've participated in many conversations with other BFAers about here regarding "when we're all living out here next year" with more than just a hypothetical approach.
I think what is most troubling to me is that I actually am starting to figure out what I want to do "when I grow up" and I'm scared that the starting point for that is far too close for comfort.