Friday, July 10, 2009
So, I'm sitting at my cousin's computer at 10:38am. I think that makes it 7:38am for you - happy sleeping.
I'm still smoking: partly due to the lack of sleep, partly due to the guiltless feeling and partly in an attempt to avoid pre-stressing. I finished the pack of Menthol's yesterday; we'll see how long until I cave again.
I've been living in this house for almost two weeks now and my cousin said the funniest thing to me last night while we were trying to teach Paula how to speak with an American accent: "Monique, you're so reserved. Your pitch is higher, your voice is airy and you speak quietly." He doesn't know me. It's not his fault, this is the first time we've gotten to know each other, and in this place, I am those things. I'm not myself here - not fully.
I just finished the first half of CNAM yesterday. Three more weeks to go - two here, one in upstate. I don't belong here. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy - how can you not be. But, I don't belong here. This city isn't for me after all. The glamor's gone, the magic has left and any mystique these dirty streets could hold have mysteriously disappeared - or congealed; this is New York after all.
And although I like it here, although I'm doing my best to make the most of it (I'm finally going to the Met tonight), I can't stop longing for something that no longer exists. After being here, I can't imagine living in Tucson again. I can't imagine babywine or cupcakes or John laying on our floor. And, for some strange reason, I'm okay with that.
I find myself missing the things that I know won't be around next year - certain BFAer's that I probably won't keep in touch with, certain places that I go or certain things that I do. But regardless, this year has ended (in my mind) before it even began.
If you read that script, I apologize. It was too rough to show. It was a compilation of ideas without any research to back it up - I'll be working on it. But once it's done, then what? Do I submerge myself into pre-production, getting lost in shots and lighting schemes? Do I find a crew and work tirelessly for a few days? Do I loose my mind, loose some friends and drink some wine until the edited piece of shit airs at The Fox in less than a year from now? I don't believe in my film. I don't think I ever will believe in anything I make. Maybe I'm not cut out for this - not because I can't do it (I have no doubt that I can), but because I don't want to do it (is all this really worth it?).
I assure you, as I write this long and nonsensical message, that I am very happy here and with the general state of things. I am. I've just realized that I've been talking myself into something for such a long time that I'm not sure what I really want anymore. My mind is chaos, nothing is clear, and I need to commit to something - for once.
Keep enjoying that beautiful weather and those beautiful people.