What I Missed

At the Harry Potter Premiere:

Less-Than-Three You, Monique

Listening to: the video, obviously

Dear Monique,

It's 2:01 here, making it 5:01 in New York - happy Friday afternoon.

I was planning on responding to your letter earlier in the day, but I didn't expect to have something to do the moment I got into the office. Friday's are the best days in the office because Melissa is here interning as well, and because we get free bagels. As always, when I come in first thing in the morning I check in with my supervisor to see what needs to be done. He pointed me in the direction of the bays to help one of the shoots organize their wrap and said that Melissa was already over there helping. We spent the first few hours of our day organizing the talent and payroll sections of their wrap book and got free lunch out of the deal. Right now we're just chilling, waiting for another task to pop up. Melissa is falling asleep next to me but I don't want to wake her up. Teehee. 

It's interesting how you say that those things are over. I don't picture babywine, cupcakes, and John laying on our floor being over at all. I picture the next year being pretty much exactly as it was (minus a cat and plus a Tom) with babywine, cupcakes, et al. It's the fact that the year can continue as always and then it will end suddenly that makes me so bummed, but I never considered a real change to our lives once back in Tucson. 

Brandon is leaving tomorrow for Tahoe for the rest of the summer so we are having a farewell dinner for him tonight. Our tribe is shrinking quickly. We all still hope for an Alex return but no news yet. Katie and I are the next ones scheduled to leave, we're heading back to Tucson on the 29th. I'm not at all okay with how fast the summer is moving. There is too much left to do- and too much left to not do. 

I read your script. It was a definite mess of ideas, but a lovely one. I'm excited to see what elements you pull out of it for more refined draft. There's too much going on in the draft I read to discuss now, but that means there is plenty to work with. My script is...a script. I've written two completely different stories out of the same idea. There's a chance I'll write several more completely different scripts before figuring out which elements I want to keep from each. I also made things interesting by telling Jesse that if he writes the script idea he's been talking about and I like it better than my best attempt at a script I might make it. Who knows. 

Be well and happy. Despite random freakouts about the future, I have been able to be both of those things. I don't even mind the stress about the future, I'm embracing the fact that we're all at least a little masochistic because it's the things that keep you up at night that are worth pursuing. 

Love,

Sarah 

P.S. Though I am sad you didn't get very close to the action at the HP premiere, at least you didn't get swine flu from the Weasley boy. 

Dear Sarah,

So, I'm sitting at my cousin's computer at 10:38am. I think that makes it 7:38am for you - happy sleeping.

I'm still smoking: partly due to the lack of sleep, partly due to the guiltless feeling and partly in an attempt to avoid pre-stressing. I finished the pack of Menthol's yesterday; we'll see how long until I cave again.

I've been living in this house for almost two weeks now and my cousin said the funniest thing to me last night while we were trying to teach Paula how to speak with an American accent: "Monique, you're so reserved. Your pitch is higher, your voice is airy and you speak quietly." He doesn't know me. It's not his fault, this is the first time we've gotten to know each other, and in this place, I am those things. I'm not myself here - not fully.

I just finished the first half of CNAM yesterday. Three more weeks to go - two here, one in upstate. I don't belong here. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy - how can you not be. But, I don't belong here. This city isn't for me after all. The glamor's gone, the magic has left and any mystique these dirty streets could hold have mysteriously disappeared - or congealed; this is New York after all.

And although I like it here, although I'm doing my best to make the most of it (I'm finally going to the Met tonight), I can't stop longing for something that no longer exists. After being here, I can't imagine living in Tucson again. I can't imagine babywine or cupcakes or John laying on our floor. And, for some strange reason, I'm okay with that.

I find myself missing the things that I know won't be around next year - certain BFAer's that I probably won't keep in touch with, certain places that I go or certain things that I do. But regardless, this year has ended (in my mind) before it even began.

If you read that script, I apologize. It was too rough to show. It was a compilation of ideas without any research to back it up - I'll be working on it. But once it's done, then what? Do I submerge myself into pre-production, getting lost in shots and lighting schemes? Do I find a crew and work tirelessly for a few days? Do I loose my mind, loose some friends and drink some wine until the edited piece of shit airs at The Fox in less than a year from now? I don't believe in my film. I don't think I ever will believe in anything I make. Maybe I'm not cut out for this - not because I can't do it (I have no doubt that I can), but because I don't want to do it (is all this really worth it?).

I assure you, as I write this long and nonsensical message, that I am very happy here and with the general state of things. I am. I've just realized that I've been talking myself into something for such a long time that I'm not sure what I really want anymore. My mind is chaos, nothing is clear, and I need to commit to something - for once.

Keep enjoying that beautiful weather and those beautiful people.

Lovesies,

Mo

Harry Potter Revelations

The only attempted pic. Then I felt ridiculous.

After work, I bolted over to the Harry Potter US Premiere yesterday. By the time I got there, a huge group of fans were chained off on the south side of the street. The red carpet and the press area was on the north. What did I do? I found a back way into the press section and tried to stand as uninterested and calm as possible. While I was in the box, I checked out all of the equipment I could see: camera's, lenses, arri-lights, etc. It's funny how seeing a porta-brace and a black sandbag can make you feel welcome. I managed to stay in the area for a good 20 minutes, until the theater owners came up and started checking in crews. Fuck.

I started to bail and made it up the stairs when I made eye contact with this boy probably a little older than me. We did the point and stare, mouths hanging open. He spoke first: "I know you," I looked back and said "I know you, too." As he told me his name, Andrew, I looked to the left and caught the eye of another person I knew - but this time, I recognized him. It was my dear Emmerson (creator of Mugglenet my favorite fan site, my 15-year-old crush, a lucky bastard) and his crew. How I knew them? Well, they have pictures on their site, obviously. How Andrew knew me? He didn't - he said I looked a lot like the girl who runs HPANA, another website. So, I looked to him and said, "Well, it was nice meeting you, I'm sorry for bothering." "Not at all," he replied, "are you gonna stick around for the premiere?" Light bulb. "Well, I want to, but I'm not sure where to go... this place is chaos." "Oh, well I think the fans are over there." [Insert awkward moment as he realized what I may have been hinting at]. I play it cool, "Ah, thanks, see you later!"

Smiling to myself, I headed to the other side. The place was a clusterfuck. Fans were screaming at anything that moved. Little kids walked around in Hogwarts ties. And I was in the back, 5'1" and unable to see shit. I did some maneuvering through the crowds, found two or three decent spots (until the theater guys kicked us out). I finally settled in the back, memories of the 2007 Muse concert running through my head (l.s.s., I couldn't see shit). With the ridiculous commentary of fans in my head, I made a choice: I left.

At that moment, I realized that I just don't care that much. It's not about Harry Potter, it's about Hollywood. Outside of the excitement and the chaos, they are just a bunch of high school kids parading around in prom dresses. Think about it from their perspective - the glamour's lost. And more important than that, I realized that I don't belong on that side of the street, with the crazed fans who glaze away their days dreaming about Daniel Radcliffe and contemplating whether or not "they get tired of seeing their face on the big screen."

Don't get me wrong, I may not belong on the other side of the street, the side with the red carpet, hot lights, Yates and Rowling. But, even if I never make it big in the industry, film school has done one thing. It's made me see everything for what it is. Yes, I know that's a sweeping generalization, but, in regards to somethings, it's totally true. The point is, actors* are people, filmmakers are people, the creators of mugglenet are people, we are people. No one is an idol to everyone, and talent doesn't make you an idol.* I'm pretty sure no one gave a fuck when some of those crew members hit the carpet. What made that event? A red carpet, some lights, some cameras, some fans, and "people." Fuck, Adam and Nick managed to do that a few months ago for no money and less hassle. The point is, it's all a show. Even reality, it's all a show. Or a stage - where we're all merely players...

There it is, some insight for the day. I'll save my other thoughts for some other time.

Less-Than-Three You, Monique

Listening to: birds chirping

Footnotes:

*Rupert Grint, if you're reading this, you will forever be the only redhead I will ever truly love.

*This may be why I'm not really bothered by name dropping. Unless you're a certain 'doctor'...

Life is moving too fast.

I told myself early on in the summer that there would be a moratorium on stress while I was here. For the most part, I've been far from perfect at that but still better than expected. There have been some frets about the senior film, about money, about health, and some other small things that I managed to keep a low freak-out level about, but overall I haven't really been full on stressing. When it comes down to it, and I when I follow the George method of diagnosing anxiety, my F stress right now is: Fast-moving life. 

It's all going by far too quickly; this summer, the past year, my college experience, everything. I'm terrified to start the school year because I'm very scared that one it begins I will have to very difficult endings. The first will be a larger-scale repeat of what Katie and I termed last semester, "postpartum depression" i.e. the awful feeling both of us got immediately after our shoot ended. All of that work and stress and effort gone after one quick weekend left us feeling pretty darned bummed, and I know that this feeling is inevitable this year. 

The second ending is the obvious one. The graduation one. The one in which our little family breaks up and moves away from each other. It's likely that most of them will end up in LA, but what about my Mo, she's a NY gal. I don't want to have to chose between which friends I want to live with. I used to be very adamant about not choosing my location in life based on where other people are. Boston to Tucson was a random ass move. I didn't know a single person in the city and I knew I was going to be leaving friends. The result of that has been staying in touch with very few people and feeling extremely bored when back in the Boston area. My life is in Tucson now. But for whatever reason I don't feel as ready to move away from people in Tucson as I was people back home. It's not an issue of caring about people more or less, but this time around I don't feel as confident in choosing where I want to be just for me. I don't even know where the 'for me' place is. 

I've been telling everybody who asks (random people back home, from school, people at my internship, random crew on set) that I still like to think that I could be anywhere a year from now. I want to believe that's true, but I know I have been eyeing everyplace I go as a possible place to make a regular return to and I know I've participated in many conversations with other BFAers about here regarding "when we're all living out here next year" with more than just a hypothetical approach. 

I think what is most troubling to me is that I actually am starting to figure out what I want to do "when I grow up" and I'm scared that the starting point for that is far too close for comfort. 

Bye kids,

Sarah 

I need money for beer, drugs and hookers (at least I'm not bullshitting you)

Okay kids, I'll make this short(er) and sweet. Yes? Here we go!

Work: We get another intern tomorrow, Yvette. I'll be training her. I've started to take advantage of this internship opportunity. Rather than just type, I've been actually paying attention to the information in the interview footage. I'm pretty well versed in New Orleans, political corruption and race relations now... good thing too because I've got some more inspiration for my senior film (more to come on that later). Also, I've been talking with the guys I work with about sound and am hoping to get a chance to play with their camera's. I just got to work up the nerve to ask.

Senior film: I'm combining both idea's I had at the beginning of this summer and have topped the whole thing off with a bunch of experiences, media influences and people that I have experienced this summer. The innovated story focuses around the question, how can one person change the world? Is it through art, or is it through action? I make the concept tangible by applying it to a failing relationship. The female gets caught up in a sort of vigilante revolution while the male tries to inspire through his art. The piece takes place in the near future and includes fireflies, guns, ribbons, art, children, hipsters, news and booze. I like it.

In the past: I've been spending a lot of time at Central Park, walking, reading and writing. I've picked up another book, as per so many of you kids - "Franny and Zooey" by J.D. Salinger. Yesterday, I went to see "The Hurt Locker" - it was pretty good and the theater was hilarious. I was six stories up.

Today: I saw Elmo, a homeless man with an epic sign, a large group of Asian tourists with "I Love Jesus" shirts, Obama condoms and a field full of beautiful shirtless gay couples.

Up and coming: Tomorrow is the US Premiere of "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince." I'm going to go watch all the celebrities and crew walk in. I'll try to eye-fuck as many of them as possible... more on that tomorrow. This weekend, I'm going to hit up as many museums as possible and I'm spending part of Saturday and all of Sunday in Connecticut with my brother's kids. On Monday, I'm going to an advanced screening of "(500) Days of Summer" followed by a Q&A with the director, Marc Webb and Zooey Deschanel (who happens to be named after the male character, Zooey from "Franny and Zooey." Ironic.). I'm pretty psyched about that.

So that's the plan, Stan. I'll be back tomorrow with (what I hope will be) an epic tale involving me and Rupert Grint macking in the Ziegfeld bathroom.

Less-Than-Three You, Monique

Listening to: Paula on the phone

Get it, "running" through my mind. Get it?

Maybe it's because I just worked my first Real Deal shoot (will write about later), maybe it's because it was so damn hot, or maybe it's because I've been on a 90s music kick, but this has been running through my mind all day.